Masquerade

I was talking to a friend the other day when we somehow got on the topic of zodiac signs. Now I've never believed one's astrological sign held much truth as to the kind of person he/she is. I've always considered it somewhat hokey. But for the sake of conversation, I looked up my zodiac sign (Taurus) to see what "the stars" had to say about me...

"Taurus do not express their feelings openly and their inner self is contained and secretive. Many people do not know how sensitive Taurus really is. Taurus avoids talking about their emotions and many people never really know how they feel."

I have to say, the accuracy of this is uncanny. I tend to come off as an extrovert. Open, boisterous, outspoken. While I am all these things to an extent, when it comes to my emotions and how I'm really feeling, I am very closed off. I don't know why, its almost habitual.

I've never considered myself the kind of person who wears masks, rather the kind of person who is an open book. What you see is what you get. I'm realizing that isn't even close to being true. I tend to keep my true feelings under wrap so much that I even hide them from myself sometimes. ...if that makes any sense. On a good day when I'm feeling GREAT I tend to dismiss the fact that there are still some things that I am feeling that aren't so...great. Then once the "I'm feeling GREAT" buzz wears off, these other feelings creep back up and I'm left wondering where they came from. They were there all along, I just shove them so far into the back of my "closet" that they're hard to find.

A good example would be the way I've been feeling lately. Per my previous post, you will notice that I've been feeling pretty good and very optimistic about the future. What you won't notice is that I've also been feeling very lonely. Despite the awesome family and friends I am often surrounded by, loneliness has been a companion of mine for quite a while now. I don't want to discount my friends and family because they mean more to me than I can express, and their presence is a blessing. The loneliness I feel is from a lack of companionship. As much as it might suck, I've dealt with it. I have faith that its in God's hands. When the time is right, it will happen. ...but that doesn't always take the sting away. Over the past few weeks I've been feeling increasingly lonely, and today it hit a high point (or low point may be more appropriate). As a result, I crawled into bed at about 3 in the afternoon and cried. After about an hour, I realized that I wasn't crying so much out of loneliness as I was out of grief. I miss my baby. I miss him a lot, and it still hurts. It got me wondering how much of my increasing loneliness stems from missing him. Or maybe missing him just intensifies the lonely that I feel. I don't know.

All I know is that I'm good at hiding it. Which probably isn't a good thing. Its automatic at this point. I'm just so used to putting on my "happy face". Its easy to wear that mask when I'm around my friends and family because being around them makes me happy. It isn't until I find myself alone again that the feelings I've pushed away begin to resurface. But the truth is, I am lonely, pretty much all the time. There are a few hours during the week where its not as intense, but it never really goes away.

Maybe I should recondition myself to stop putting on my "happy face". That's not to say that I should walk around acting sad and lonely all the time-because there are many times where I feel genuinely happy. But I do have feelings of loneliness and sadness. They're present every day and are very real. I think it's important they be acknowledged.

smelling the roses

I've never had an experience quite like the one I had today. Maybe I shouldn't call it an experience, but an epiphany.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Actually that's probably an understatement. I've been feeling really good. I don't walk around in a cloud of sadness anymore. I look forward to doing things. I can actually enjoy myself when I'm out with my friends or family, or I can even be in a good mood when I'm home by myself! The motivation to go after my goals isn't as hard to muster up as it has been in the past month or so. I don't cry every day, I don't even cry every other day. I don't wake up in a cloud of sadness that seems to linger all day...actually I haven't felt sad in a while.

To an outsider this may seem like a great thing, but to me its been kind of frightening. Keegan is only 5 weeks old, and I'm already feeling like I am moving on with my life. Am I really that heartless? There was a point in time, not too long ago that I felt as if I had been shattered into a million pieces with little hope of ever getting the pieces to fit back together quite right. Now, just a couple weeks later I smile easy, laugh often, and am starting to realize that not only can I put the pieces of my life back together, but I can make it better than it ever has been before. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something missing in my heart makes this whole thing seemingly easier on me than it should be? ...These have been the thoughts/fears I've been wrestling with for a little over a week now. Literally convincing myself that because I'm feeling so great, there must be something wrong with me. I must be lacking emotion, heart, mental stability...something!!!

I was just sitting here when it hit me. God heard me. A couple of weeks ago I hit a real low point. I was in the shower (awkward, I know) when I completely broke down. I cried out to God-that if he could just take this intense pain and fear away from me, that I would find a way to deal with the rest. Here I am two weeks later wondering why I'm feeling so great and that it must be a sign that something is seriously wrong with me. When in fact, this is God telling me that He's been listening.

I feel sort of dumb actually. I've been crying out to God all this time, almost feeling forgotten because I haven't heard some booming voice from the clouds above. Then I wake up (figuratively speaking) and realize that my prayer has already been answered-and I'm sitting here making it out to be some sort of emotional deficit on my part. I'm pretty sure God is up there getting a pretty good kick out of this-as he should.

I am just in complete awe right now. He never ceases to amaze me-even when I'm not paying attention. It's undoubtedly by God's grace that I am sitting here today, looking at a picture of my beautiful baby boy with a smile on my face thinking, "Man, life is good." It chokes me up, and this time these are tears of joy. I am blessed beyond comprehension, and I've done nothing to deserve it.

"Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6