smelling the roses

I've never had an experience quite like the one I had today. Maybe I shouldn't call it an experience, but an epiphany.

I've been feeling pretty good lately. Actually that's probably an understatement. I've been feeling really good. I don't walk around in a cloud of sadness anymore. I look forward to doing things. I can actually enjoy myself when I'm out with my friends or family, or I can even be in a good mood when I'm home by myself! The motivation to go after my goals isn't as hard to muster up as it has been in the past month or so. I don't cry every day, I don't even cry every other day. I don't wake up in a cloud of sadness that seems to linger all day...actually I haven't felt sad in a while.

To an outsider this may seem like a great thing, but to me its been kind of frightening. Keegan is only 5 weeks old, and I'm already feeling like I am moving on with my life. Am I really that heartless? There was a point in time, not too long ago that I felt as if I had been shattered into a million pieces with little hope of ever getting the pieces to fit back together quite right. Now, just a couple weeks later I smile easy, laugh often, and am starting to realize that not only can I put the pieces of my life back together, but I can make it better than it ever has been before. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something missing in my heart makes this whole thing seemingly easier on me than it should be? ...These have been the thoughts/fears I've been wrestling with for a little over a week now. Literally convincing myself that because I'm feeling so great, there must be something wrong with me. I must be lacking emotion, heart, mental stability...something!!!

I was just sitting here when it hit me. God heard me. A couple of weeks ago I hit a real low point. I was in the shower (awkward, I know) when I completely broke down. I cried out to God-that if he could just take this intense pain and fear away from me, that I would find a way to deal with the rest. Here I am two weeks later wondering why I'm feeling so great and that it must be a sign that something is seriously wrong with me. When in fact, this is God telling me that He's been listening.

I feel sort of dumb actually. I've been crying out to God all this time, almost feeling forgotten because I haven't heard some booming voice from the clouds above. Then I wake up (figuratively speaking) and realize that my prayer has already been answered-and I'm sitting here making it out to be some sort of emotional deficit on my part. I'm pretty sure God is up there getting a pretty good kick out of this-as he should.

I am just in complete awe right now. He never ceases to amaze me-even when I'm not paying attention. It's undoubtedly by God's grace that I am sitting here today, looking at a picture of my beautiful baby boy with a smile on my face thinking, "Man, life is good." It chokes me up, and this time these are tears of joy. I am blessed beyond comprehension, and I've done nothing to deserve it.

"Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6