I'm okay...maybe

Today is okay. For that reason alone I felt the need to write a post. Normally when I'm prompted to write its because I'm feeling very down, sad and overwhelmed. Today, I'm just here. Maybe even a little better than here, maybe I'm feeling okay...maybe.

Keegan and his family went home yesterday. It wasn't as dreadful as I had anticipated, just a little uncomfortable. I think the reason I felt uncomfortable is because it wasn't made out to be a big deal. After having lunch, we walked outside, gave hugs and said "see ya later". Like it was nothing, no big deal. I sat in the parking lot for about a half hour, not really knowing how to feel about what just happened. Then the thought crossed me that, maybe it wasn't made out to be a big deal because...its not. No long, drawn on, monumental "goodbyes" because it's not goodbye. After entertaining that thought, I was comforted by the simplicity of our "departing" experience. In hindsight, had it been a bigger deal, maybe it would have hurt a little more.
...Anyways, I'm glad they got to go home. I know they were getting anxious to get settled with everything-and they were feeling a bit couped up. I'm sure they're much more comfortable now, and that makes me happy.

I wrote another letter to Keegan this morning. He was the first thought that crossed my mind as I arose from unconsciousness-so instead of dwelling on it and sulking in sorrow, I decided to write to him about how I was feeling. I feel like it is important for him to understand the magnitude of everything, when he's able to actually grasp the whole concept. I just wanted him to know how much I love him, and that loving him so much makes this process difficult for me, but that I was determined to make it through because I want to show him that no matter what life throws at you, you can ALWAYS rise above.

I wanted to relay to him the overwhelming joy and love I felt for him the very first moment I held him in my arms, but I failed miserably. There really are no words to express something like that. In my letters to him I find myself constantly saying how much I love him, as if my redundancy is going to really paint the picture for him. It is slightly frustrating to feel like I can't express myself satisfactorily, but my faith comforts me. Even though this has been a personal journey for me, this is Keegan's story, and God has been writing it from the very beginning. With that in mind, I am confident that part of his story is going to include him fully understanding how much I really love him...someday. That day, though many many years away, is a day I anxiously wait for.

So I'll never see my son as a newborn again. The next time I see him, he'll likely be a few months old. It sucks, but birthmothers aren't the only ones that have to deal with that sadness. They just don't get as much of the newborn experience as they'd like to have. That's okay, I've got hundreds of pictures to document his first couple weeks of life. Children grow. That's what they do.

On an unrelated note, the heart is an unusual thing. I'm not speaking of the physical beating heart with arteries and ventricles,I'm talking about your heart of hearts. That which moves you. (well I guess your physical heart plays a big role in moving you)..but I mean really moves you. The thing that allows you to feel love, happiness, pain, loss, desire, etc. That heart, is an unusual thing. At times, it almost feels like it WANTS to be sad, or rather that its supposed to be sad-and if during a time where you're "supposed" to be sad, you feel a shred of happiness, it feels like a betrayal. Last night as I was driving around aimlessly, a song came on the radio that I love, and hadn't heard in quite some time. I turned it up and started to sing along, actually feeling good. Within a minute or so, I hear the back of my mind knocking on the front of my mind's door saying, "um..hello?! What are you doing? You're supposed to be sad." I sometimes feel a hint of guilt any time Keegan is not the number one thing on my mind. Like if I'm not constantly thinking of him, I'm going to forget him--which CLEARLY is never going to be the case. It's strange. Quite strange.

I had a phone conversation with a good friend last night. It was awesome. What was so awesome about it is that I was able to actually have an engaging conversation about something other than my current situation, and all things included. It felt good, and I don't feel bad about it.

Not to put the cart before the horse here, but I believe I'm taking steps in the right direction.

but not without the help of you all...