Love Hurts

So here I am. Stuck in the middle of the most amazing and difficult thing I've ever gone through in my entire life-and its only just begun. I am a bottomless pit of emotion these days. They say its not healthy to keep it in. I'm not always great with opening up in front of people, I do much better in writing. I guess I don't like people to see me cry, but I'm quickly getting over that. So I figured maybe this would be therapeutic for me.

I've got so much on my mind that I can't even think of what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss my son. Its so simple, but the emotions that come with that are anything but. I've never felt a pain like this in my life. Its the inexplicably worse than the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced. Ever. 6 days ago I discovered just how much love my heart could hold, 4 days later I discovered just how painful that love can be.

It was an unexpected pregnancy. I am in no position to raise a child, at least not to my standards. Every child deserves the best, but when it comes to mine I will not settle for anything less. I want my child to be able to experience life to the fullest. To have all the endless opportunities that I had growing up. He deserves to have a stable, loving family. A comfortable life. I have very high expectations as to the kind of mother I want to be for my children, and I am not able to be that person right now. I can't give my baby everything I want for him. Coming to terms with that was the first step.

I decided to place my son up for adoption, pretty early on in my pregnancy. I decided on an open adoption; I choose the family, establish a relationship with them which will carry on throughout my child's life. The idea behind an open adoption is that the child will know where they came from. They will have the opportunity to have a relationship with their birth family from the very beginning. While this is a relatively new concept to adoption, its gaining a lot of recognition as it a wonderful alternative to closed adoptions. Most people probably think that the process of choosing adoption, choosing a family etc would be difficult. That was not my experience. Honestly, it was probably the easiest thing I've ever done (especially in relation to this experience). Once I found out there was a life inside of me, I loved it. I wanted the best for it, and the only way I was going to figure out what "the best" was, was to look upward. So that is what I did. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. God took over from there. Within a month or so I had found an amazing family, and it didn't take long before I felt at complete peace with my decision. That was the easy part.

Pregnancy was scary, for a worry wart such as myself. Giving birth was by far the most terrifying thing I've ever gone through. (I don't care what they say, there's nothing natural about it.) But once you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you truly do forget all about it. I can't even find the words to express how it feels to look into the face of a child that God created, and entrusted you with. There is nothing like it. Its the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. To realize that you are in complete control of another human being's life is an incredibly humbling feeling. God must have a lot of faith in me to have given me such a precious piece of life. I got to spend 4 days in the hospital with my baby. 4 wonderful days. He's perfect. I would stay up all night just so I could hold him in my arms while he slept. I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to do so, I took full advantage of it. It's amazing how much you can love someone you just met. He was absolutely beautiful. The man of my dreams, and he broke my heart.

Handing him to his parents wasn't the hard part. In fact, I loved seeing them with him. I loved to see how their faces lit up when they held him. They've been waiting for a child for a couple years. To be able to give them this gift was incredible. Not just them, but their entire family. To be able to give the first grandson, the first nephew...it was awesome. There are now so many people in this world who love this little child, he's going to be spoiled with love. This whole thing has been a blessing in so many ways. My relationship with the adoptive parents is more amazing than I ever thought it would be. We started as strangers, quickly became friends, and are now family. We are incredibly compatible, literally like soul mates. I truly believe that God had this all planned out from the beginning, because its turned out to be a flawless masterpiece. They're going to be awesome parents, and I'm going to be a part of my son's life. He's going to know me from the very start! How cool is that? I get to see my little man several times a year, buy him things, spoil him rotten, then give him back to his parents! Tons of my family came to the hospital to meet my baby and to meet his new family. They all got along perfectly. Everyone loves everyone, and they all love my son. It's incredible. This child is going to have an awesome awesome life. I'm willing to pay the price for that.

...but the price is high. Here I sit, unable to go 20 minutes without crying. Like I said, realizing my inadequacy as a parent, choosing adoption, finding a family, those were the easy parts. Lying in bed at night remembering the beautiful little boy I held in my arms is the hard part. I have no regrets. I have no doubts or concerns. I just miss him so much. Its an indescribable pain. I close my eyes, and I see his face. I feel like a part of me has died. I hate this feeling. I want to be happy. I want to be happy for my son, because he's perfect in every way. I want to be happy for his family, because this is the happiest moment of their lives. I want to be happy for my family because they have a new baby to love, and I want to be happy for myself, for being a part of something so incredible...but all I can feel right now is the pain. It's overwhelming. Deep down inside I know it will get easier with time. One day I will be able to look at his picture and not break down into tears. I'm in a dark place right now, and that's unfortunate because there is so much beauty around me. Love doesn't even seem like a big enough word to describe how I feel for my baby Keegan. Whatever this feeling is, its the most beautiful, wonderful, wretched feeling I've ever felt.

...I thought letting things out was supposed to make you feel better. I guess that takes time too.

Thanks for listening.