I ventured out into the world today. I went to class. I woke up feeling like I would rather stay in bed, but I forced myself to go. "They" say getting out is supposed to help. Well I don't feel much different. I spent the 45 minute drive to school crying, the 75 minute ethics class constantly trying to re-direct my thoughts to ethics, and the traffic induced 1.5 drive home crying again. Oh! I did stop for gas.
I don't know what my point is. I guess just to say that I don't think it helped. I find myself just going through the motions. Literally walking like a zombie, blankly staring off into the distance. You know when something moves so quickly that it doesn't even look like its moving at all? That's me. Constantly there are a million things racing through my head, but I almost feel nothing. Nothing but....hurt. Non-specific, empty, hurt.
That's all for now. My head hurts.
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Sarah...i know it seems like the pain and sadness will never go away, but it will.....if you make it so. Remember the lecture on how our subconscience controls our destiny...what you believe about yourself is what you end up being? You have the power to feel happy, thankful, joyful and not let yourself slip into the pit of despair.
ReplyDeleteThe statement you made...."I will willingly suffer for the rest of my life if it means that my son will have the best life he could possibly have.".....if that's what you truly believe and keep telling yourself..then that's what your life is going to be. Do you think Keegan would want you to have a life of suffering?
It doesn't have to be that way.....instead you should say...'I will spend my life rejoicing that I brought into this world an amazing little guy that brings so much love to so many people. i gave him life and I look forward to seeing that life unfold and can't wait to know the beautiful person he is to become. I will not be sad, but happy, in knowing that he brings so much love and joy, not only to me, but to so many other people. Thank you God for letting me a part of something so wonderful."
These are the types of things you need to tell yourself...even tho you are hurting now and may not really feel that way...in time you will...in time...what you believe about yourself, about your life, is what it will be.
i love you
One more thing....don't think that you are the only one dealing with feeling like this...and that no one understands how you feel. Not true. I have the same feelings you do...you are a part of me..and keegan is a part of you, therefore a part of me too. and while it's hard to think about not seeing him everyday..which in turn makes for a heavy heart....it's better than not seeing him at all, not knowing him at all, not being able to experience the happiness and joy that he brings. He is a life you chose to bring into this world...and I thank God you made that choice and not the alternative as that would have created an emptiness that would be much more difficult to overcome. Keegan is life...and we will celebrate that life!
ReplyDeleteOK..off the soap box I go....it will be ok...keep positive thoughts and God close by and all will be well.
That statement I made was not me assuming that this decision absolutely meant suffering for the rest of my life. It was more or less me saying that I know its going to hurt, and I know its going to be hard, but I'm willing to pay that price if it means that my son will have the best life possible. I don't use that as a way to constantly remind myself that I will be suffering, but as a way to explain that I chose this road, and I understood what it would entail (at least as much as I could), and despite the fact that it hurts worse than I could have ever imagined, the statement still stands true that I'm willing to endure it. No regrets.
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