bad days and worse days

I'm so full of emotion right now I feel like I need to let it out. All I can do is just stare at this empty white box-nothing comes to me. What do I say? Nothing I type seems to really do a justice to what I'm feeling inside. I feel like run the risk of being redundant or dramatic or any other undesirable adjective you can think of.

I was talking on the phone to a good friend today, and I think I may have jinxed myself. I told him that I was having a good day today. In fact, when asked how I'm doing, I often respond with "there are good days, and there are bad days." That isn't really true at all. There are bad days and then there are worse days. To be honest would be to say that there isn't ever a moment, not one second, where I don't feel this heavy heavy sadness in my chest. Right around where my heart would be.

I get angry with myself because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am surrounded by so many amazing people who genuinely care about me, and are here for me every step of the way. They get how huge this is for me and have made themselves into the huge cushion that I fall down on daily. I'm even lucky enough to have an awesome best friend, who has gone through the same thing I'm going through, to remind me that everything I'm feeling is normal. She reminds me frequently that I am, in fact, not losing my mind. On top of all of this, my family has doubled. I now have Keegan, and his mom & dad, his grandmas, his aunts & uncles to call family-and they're all awesome. His parents especially have been amazing. They've accepted me and my family into their lives. They've allowed me to see Keegan several times while they're still here in town-when they really don't have to. Every time I see/talk to them they give me more reason to discount my fear that they will ever cut me out of their lives. I'm so blessed to have all of these people in my life.

So how is it possible for me to still feel so alone??

I don't understand all of this. I've always been the kind of person who can wrestle well with my emotions. I understand them, I rationalize them, and take the reins. But I can't rationalize something I don't understand. And this, I don't understand at all. I have so much to be happy for, yet I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I have many many wonderful people supporting me, yet I feel completely alone. They say its grief. I went so far as to look up the stages of grief-Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance- I don't feel that any of these apply to me. Where does heartbreak fit in? Are there no steps for that? No process?

I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...but thats where it stays. The longer I keep crawling through the tunnel, the longer the tunnel gets.

I'm haunted by a statement I made several months ago: "I will willingly suffer for the rest of my life if it means that my son will have the best life he could possibly have."

I hadn't the slightest clue how painful this would be.

And still, no regrets.