Letting Go(d)

Today was a good day. I had lunch with Keegan's parents and grandma. I got to see him for a few hours, it was nice. I didn't break down and cry at the sight of him like I thought I might-so that was a plus. I felt really good today, about everything- but now I'm not feeling so great. Feeling a little down, and a little weepy. Kind of like I just want to be alone, but I'm trying to avoid isolation.

I don't understand all of this really. I don't understand these sporadic mood changes. How can I be feeling great one moment, confident that I really can make it through this and everything is going to be awesome; and then the next moment feel like I want to crawl under a rock and die? The reality is that things couldn't have worked out any better, for everyone involved. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, but I still manage to feel completely miserable.

Keegan's dad called me last night. It didn't seem like he had anything in particular he wanted to talk about, just called to chat. It was awesome because we were able to just have a real conversation, like friends and family do. Nothing superficial, completely comfortable. We talked for about an hour, ranging from Keegan's birthfather, our own families, thoughts on adoption, and even to what Keegan would refer to me, and other members of our family as (when he gets older of course). The fact that they are thinking about that now, however premature it may be, really means a lot to me. It shows that they really do intend on having me (and my family) as a part of their lives permanently. One of my biggest fears throughout this process is, and continues to be, that once everything is finalized, they will begin to cut me out of the picture. They have given me no reason to think this, infact they've given me every reason to think the contrary. Maybe its natural for me to have that fear, maybe its me being paranoid-probably a little bit of both. I guess it all comes down to trust. Not trust in myself, or in them, but trust in God. Afterall, he's the one that orchestrated this whole thing from the beginning.

When I reflect back on everything that's happened in the last 6-7 months, I remember that as soon as things became complicated (meaning as soon as I found out I was pregnant), I turned to God. I didn't know how to handle it, or what to do, so I just relinquished control. Now the situation has evolved, and has become even more difficult than before. So why, of all times, do I find myself grasping at every thread of control that I possibly can? If I needed God to take over when I found out I was pregnant, why do I feel like I need him any less now? A huge contributor to a lot of my anxieties is fear. Fear of the unknown. More specifically, fear that things wont work out the way that we've talked about. Fear that this beautiful relationship between our families will stall out. Fear that I won't get to see my boy grow up. Fear that I won't be able to be a part of his life, and that my relationship with him will no longer consist of visits, only pictures. The last one being my biggest fear. These are all things that we've discussed over and over. It's been a concern of mine from the beginning. If I wasn't able to see my son, and be a part of his life, I may not have chosen adoption. The family I've chosen have always expressed an interest in this type of relationship with me-but once everything is final, I have no say, no rights. It's completely up to them. That's scary. But God led me here. Like I asked him to, he showed me where to go, what to do. He's made everything perfect so far. I have every reason to trust him. Why am I so doubtful? Why am I so scared now?

When I left their place today, Keegan's mom gave me a card. I read it when I got home, and it brought me to tears. Its clear that they have an unsurmountable feeling of gratitude and love towards me, and my presence in their lives. But what really struck me from her message to me, was a story she told me about what she was going through right around the time I found out I was pregnant
- In late July (I found out I was pregnant July 14th) they had all of their adoption "stuff" completed, their website was up, their name was out there--all they had to do was wait. A decent amount of time went by, when most people would become discouraged, she leaned into her faith and kept praying that God lead them to the birthmother they were meant to connect with. More and more time went by, and naturally she became discouraged, thinking maybe it just wasn't meant to be. On one particular day her discouragment hit its peak. She went to church that morning with "a heavy heart" and instead of asking God to lead them to their birthmother, she asked that if it wasn't in His will for them to raise children, that he take the desire to do so from her heart. That day, when she got to work, she turned on her computer and saw the very first message I had sent her.

Amazing.

There is absolutely no doubting that this is, and has been, God's "project" from the start. I need to realize that I'm not in control, and quite frankly, I don't want to be. The only one I need to trust in is Him, and he is completely trustworthy. I really need to let go, and let Him do the work. Afterall, he's WAY better at it than I ever could be.

As for these mood swings...I don't know what to make of them. Hormones? Typical "baby blues"? I have no idea, but I'm ready for them to be over. Becoming a mother, regardless of what kind of mother you become, changes you. It gives you a reason...for everything. It gives you motivation to be a better person, the BEST person that you can possibly be. I have such a drive to make something great out of myself and out of my life, but fighting past these emotions are a bitch. Especially when they're so unpredictable. I just want to find my new "normal" and get back to life.

He was more beautiful today than he was the last time I saw him. He smirked at me today and my heart grew one more size.

I still miss him.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34