Today is okay. For that reason alone I felt the need to write a post. Normally when I'm prompted to write its because I'm feeling very down, sad and overwhelmed. Today, I'm just here. Maybe even a little better than here, maybe I'm feeling okay...maybe.
Keegan and his family went home yesterday. It wasn't as dreadful as I had anticipated, just a little uncomfortable. I think the reason I felt uncomfortable is because it wasn't made out to be a big deal. After having lunch, we walked outside, gave hugs and said "see ya later". Like it was nothing, no big deal. I sat in the parking lot for about a half hour, not really knowing how to feel about what just happened. Then the thought crossed me that, maybe it wasn't made out to be a big deal because...its not. No long, drawn on, monumental "goodbyes" because it's not goodbye. After entertaining that thought, I was comforted by the simplicity of our "departing" experience. In hindsight, had it been a bigger deal, maybe it would have hurt a little more.
...Anyways, I'm glad they got to go home. I know they were getting anxious to get settled with everything-and they were feeling a bit couped up. I'm sure they're much more comfortable now, and that makes me happy.
I wrote another letter to Keegan this morning. He was the first thought that crossed my mind as I arose from unconsciousness-so instead of dwelling on it and sulking in sorrow, I decided to write to him about how I was feeling. I feel like it is important for him to understand the magnitude of everything, when he's able to actually grasp the whole concept. I just wanted him to know how much I love him, and that loving him so much makes this process difficult for me, but that I was determined to make it through because I want to show him that no matter what life throws at you, you can ALWAYS rise above.
I wanted to relay to him the overwhelming joy and love I felt for him the very first moment I held him in my arms, but I failed miserably. There really are no words to express something like that. In my letters to him I find myself constantly saying how much I love him, as if my redundancy is going to really paint the picture for him. It is slightly frustrating to feel like I can't express myself satisfactorily, but my faith comforts me. Even though this has been a personal journey for me, this is Keegan's story, and God has been writing it from the very beginning. With that in mind, I am confident that part of his story is going to include him fully understanding how much I really love him...someday. That day, though many many years away, is a day I anxiously wait for.
So I'll never see my son as a newborn again. The next time I see him, he'll likely be a few months old. It sucks, but birthmothers aren't the only ones that have to deal with that sadness. They just don't get as much of the newborn experience as they'd like to have. That's okay, I've got hundreds of pictures to document his first couple weeks of life. Children grow. That's what they do.
On an unrelated note, the heart is an unusual thing. I'm not speaking of the physical beating heart with arteries and ventricles,I'm talking about your heart of hearts. That which moves you. (well I guess your physical heart plays a big role in moving you)..but I mean really moves you. The thing that allows you to feel love, happiness, pain, loss, desire, etc. That heart, is an unusual thing. At times, it almost feels like it WANTS to be sad, or rather that its supposed to be sad-and if during a time where you're "supposed" to be sad, you feel a shred of happiness, it feels like a betrayal. Last night as I was driving around aimlessly, a song came on the radio that I love, and hadn't heard in quite some time. I turned it up and started to sing along, actually feeling good. Within a minute or so, I hear the back of my mind knocking on the front of my mind's door saying, "um..hello?! What are you doing? You're supposed to be sad." I sometimes feel a hint of guilt any time Keegan is not the number one thing on my mind. Like if I'm not constantly thinking of him, I'm going to forget him--which CLEARLY is never going to be the case. It's strange. Quite strange.
I had a phone conversation with a good friend last night. It was awesome. What was so awesome about it is that I was able to actually have an engaging conversation about something other than my current situation, and all things included. It felt good, and I don't feel bad about it.
Not to put the cart before the horse here, but I believe I'm taking steps in the right direction.
but not without the help of you all...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
empty
I ventured out into the world today. I went to class. I woke up feeling like I would rather stay in bed, but I forced myself to go. "They" say getting out is supposed to help. Well I don't feel much different. I spent the 45 minute drive to school crying, the 75 minute ethics class constantly trying to re-direct my thoughts to ethics, and the traffic induced 1.5 drive home crying again. Oh! I did stop for gas.
I don't know what my point is. I guess just to say that I don't think it helped. I find myself just going through the motions. Literally walking like a zombie, blankly staring off into the distance. You know when something moves so quickly that it doesn't even look like its moving at all? That's me. Constantly there are a million things racing through my head, but I almost feel nothing. Nothing but....hurt. Non-specific, empty, hurt.
That's all for now. My head hurts.
I don't know what my point is. I guess just to say that I don't think it helped. I find myself just going through the motions. Literally walking like a zombie, blankly staring off into the distance. You know when something moves so quickly that it doesn't even look like its moving at all? That's me. Constantly there are a million things racing through my head, but I almost feel nothing. Nothing but....hurt. Non-specific, empty, hurt.
That's all for now. My head hurts.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
bad days and worse days
I'm so full of emotion right now I feel like I need to let it out. All I can do is just stare at this empty white box-nothing comes to me. What do I say? Nothing I type seems to really do a justice to what I'm feeling inside. I feel like run the risk of being redundant or dramatic or any other undesirable adjective you can think of.
I was talking on the phone to a good friend today, and I think I may have jinxed myself. I told him that I was having a good day today. In fact, when asked how I'm doing, I often respond with "there are good days, and there are bad days." That isn't really true at all. There are bad days and then there are worse days. To be honest would be to say that there isn't ever a moment, not one second, where I don't feel this heavy heavy sadness in my chest. Right around where my heart would be.
I get angry with myself because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am surrounded by so many amazing people who genuinely care about me, and are here for me every step of the way. They get how huge this is for me and have made themselves into the huge cushion that I fall down on daily. I'm even lucky enough to have an awesome best friend, who has gone through the same thing I'm going through, to remind me that everything I'm feeling is normal. She reminds me frequently that I am, in fact, not losing my mind. On top of all of this, my family has doubled. I now have Keegan, and his mom & dad, his grandmas, his aunts & uncles to call family-and they're all awesome. His parents especially have been amazing. They've accepted me and my family into their lives. They've allowed me to see Keegan several times while they're still here in town-when they really don't have to. Every time I see/talk to them they give me more reason to discount my fear that they will ever cut me out of their lives. I'm so blessed to have all of these people in my life.
So how is it possible for me to still feel so alone??
I don't understand all of this. I've always been the kind of person who can wrestle well with my emotions. I understand them, I rationalize them, and take the reins. But I can't rationalize something I don't understand. And this, I don't understand at all. I have so much to be happy for, yet I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I have many many wonderful people supporting me, yet I feel completely alone. They say its grief. I went so far as to look up the stages of grief-Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance- I don't feel that any of these apply to me. Where does heartbreak fit in? Are there no steps for that? No process?
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...but thats where it stays. The longer I keep crawling through the tunnel, the longer the tunnel gets.
I'm haunted by a statement I made several months ago: "I will willingly suffer for the rest of my life if it means that my son will have the best life he could possibly have."
I hadn't the slightest clue how painful this would be.
And still, no regrets.
I was talking on the phone to a good friend today, and I think I may have jinxed myself. I told him that I was having a good day today. In fact, when asked how I'm doing, I often respond with "there are good days, and there are bad days." That isn't really true at all. There are bad days and then there are worse days. To be honest would be to say that there isn't ever a moment, not one second, where I don't feel this heavy heavy sadness in my chest. Right around where my heart would be.
I get angry with myself because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am surrounded by so many amazing people who genuinely care about me, and are here for me every step of the way. They get how huge this is for me and have made themselves into the huge cushion that I fall down on daily. I'm even lucky enough to have an awesome best friend, who has gone through the same thing I'm going through, to remind me that everything I'm feeling is normal. She reminds me frequently that I am, in fact, not losing my mind. On top of all of this, my family has doubled. I now have Keegan, and his mom & dad, his grandmas, his aunts & uncles to call family-and they're all awesome. His parents especially have been amazing. They've accepted me and my family into their lives. They've allowed me to see Keegan several times while they're still here in town-when they really don't have to. Every time I see/talk to them they give me more reason to discount my fear that they will ever cut me out of their lives. I'm so blessed to have all of these people in my life.
So how is it possible for me to still feel so alone??
I don't understand all of this. I've always been the kind of person who can wrestle well with my emotions. I understand them, I rationalize them, and take the reins. But I can't rationalize something I don't understand. And this, I don't understand at all. I have so much to be happy for, yet I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I have many many wonderful people supporting me, yet I feel completely alone. They say its grief. I went so far as to look up the stages of grief-Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance- I don't feel that any of these apply to me. Where does heartbreak fit in? Are there no steps for that? No process?
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...but thats where it stays. The longer I keep crawling through the tunnel, the longer the tunnel gets.
I'm haunted by a statement I made several months ago: "I will willingly suffer for the rest of my life if it means that my son will have the best life he could possibly have."
I hadn't the slightest clue how painful this would be.
And still, no regrets.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Letting Go(d)
Today was a good day. I had lunch with Keegan's parents and grandma. I got to see him for a few hours, it was nice. I didn't break down and cry at the sight of him like I thought I might-so that was a plus. I felt really good today, about everything- but now I'm not feeling so great. Feeling a little down, and a little weepy. Kind of like I just want to be alone, but I'm trying to avoid isolation.
I don't understand all of this really. I don't understand these sporadic mood changes. How can I be feeling great one moment, confident that I really can make it through this and everything is going to be awesome; and then the next moment feel like I want to crawl under a rock and die? The reality is that things couldn't have worked out any better, for everyone involved. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, but I still manage to feel completely miserable.
Keegan's dad called me last night. It didn't seem like he had anything in particular he wanted to talk about, just called to chat. It was awesome because we were able to just have a real conversation, like friends and family do. Nothing superficial, completely comfortable. We talked for about an hour, ranging from Keegan's birthfather, our own families, thoughts on adoption, and even to what Keegan would refer to me, and other members of our family as (when he gets older of course). The fact that they are thinking about that now, however premature it may be, really means a lot to me. It shows that they really do intend on having me (and my family) as a part of their lives permanently. One of my biggest fears throughout this process is, and continues to be, that once everything is finalized, they will begin to cut me out of the picture. They have given me no reason to think this, infact they've given me every reason to think the contrary. Maybe its natural for me to have that fear, maybe its me being paranoid-probably a little bit of both. I guess it all comes down to trust. Not trust in myself, or in them, but trust in God. Afterall, he's the one that orchestrated this whole thing from the beginning.
When I reflect back on everything that's happened in the last 6-7 months, I remember that as soon as things became complicated (meaning as soon as I found out I was pregnant), I turned to God. I didn't know how to handle it, or what to do, so I just relinquished control. Now the situation has evolved, and has become even more difficult than before. So why, of all times, do I find myself grasping at every thread of control that I possibly can? If I needed God to take over when I found out I was pregnant, why do I feel like I need him any less now? A huge contributor to a lot of my anxieties is fear. Fear of the unknown. More specifically, fear that things wont work out the way that we've talked about. Fear that this beautiful relationship between our families will stall out. Fear that I won't get to see my boy grow up. Fear that I won't be able to be a part of his life, and that my relationship with him will no longer consist of visits, only pictures. The last one being my biggest fear. These are all things that we've discussed over and over. It's been a concern of mine from the beginning. If I wasn't able to see my son, and be a part of his life, I may not have chosen adoption. The family I've chosen have always expressed an interest in this type of relationship with me-but once everything is final, I have no say, no rights. It's completely up to them. That's scary. But God led me here. Like I asked him to, he showed me where to go, what to do. He's made everything perfect so far. I have every reason to trust him. Why am I so doubtful? Why am I so scared now?
When I left their place today, Keegan's mom gave me a card. I read it when I got home, and it brought me to tears. Its clear that they have an unsurmountable feeling of gratitude and love towards me, and my presence in their lives. But what really struck me from her message to me, was a story she told me about what she was going through right around the time I found out I was pregnant
- In late July (I found out I was pregnant July 14th) they had all of their adoption "stuff" completed, their website was up, their name was out there--all they had to do was wait. A decent amount of time went by, when most people would become discouraged, she leaned into her faith and kept praying that God lead them to the birthmother they were meant to connect with. More and more time went by, and naturally she became discouraged, thinking maybe it just wasn't meant to be. On one particular day her discouragment hit its peak. She went to church that morning with "a heavy heart" and instead of asking God to lead them to their birthmother, she asked that if it wasn't in His will for them to raise children, that he take the desire to do so from her heart. That day, when she got to work, she turned on her computer and saw the very first message I had sent her.
Amazing.
There is absolutely no doubting that this is, and has been, God's "project" from the start. I need to realize that I'm not in control, and quite frankly, I don't want to be. The only one I need to trust in is Him, and he is completely trustworthy. I really need to let go, and let Him do the work. Afterall, he's WAY better at it than I ever could be.
As for these mood swings...I don't know what to make of them. Hormones? Typical "baby blues"? I have no idea, but I'm ready for them to be over. Becoming a mother, regardless of what kind of mother you become, changes you. It gives you a reason...for everything. It gives you motivation to be a better person, the BEST person that you can possibly be. I have such a drive to make something great out of myself and out of my life, but fighting past these emotions are a bitch. Especially when they're so unpredictable. I just want to find my new "normal" and get back to life.
He was more beautiful today than he was the last time I saw him. He smirked at me today and my heart grew one more size.
I still miss him.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34
I don't understand all of this really. I don't understand these sporadic mood changes. How can I be feeling great one moment, confident that I really can make it through this and everything is going to be awesome; and then the next moment feel like I want to crawl under a rock and die? The reality is that things couldn't have worked out any better, for everyone involved. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, but I still manage to feel completely miserable.
Keegan's dad called me last night. It didn't seem like he had anything in particular he wanted to talk about, just called to chat. It was awesome because we were able to just have a real conversation, like friends and family do. Nothing superficial, completely comfortable. We talked for about an hour, ranging from Keegan's birthfather, our own families, thoughts on adoption, and even to what Keegan would refer to me, and other members of our family as (when he gets older of course). The fact that they are thinking about that now, however premature it may be, really means a lot to me. It shows that they really do intend on having me (and my family) as a part of their lives permanently. One of my biggest fears throughout this process is, and continues to be, that once everything is finalized, they will begin to cut me out of the picture. They have given me no reason to think this, infact they've given me every reason to think the contrary. Maybe its natural for me to have that fear, maybe its me being paranoid-probably a little bit of both. I guess it all comes down to trust. Not trust in myself, or in them, but trust in God. Afterall, he's the one that orchestrated this whole thing from the beginning.
When I reflect back on everything that's happened in the last 6-7 months, I remember that as soon as things became complicated (meaning as soon as I found out I was pregnant), I turned to God. I didn't know how to handle it, or what to do, so I just relinquished control. Now the situation has evolved, and has become even more difficult than before. So why, of all times, do I find myself grasping at every thread of control that I possibly can? If I needed God to take over when I found out I was pregnant, why do I feel like I need him any less now? A huge contributor to a lot of my anxieties is fear. Fear of the unknown. More specifically, fear that things wont work out the way that we've talked about. Fear that this beautiful relationship between our families will stall out. Fear that I won't get to see my boy grow up. Fear that I won't be able to be a part of his life, and that my relationship with him will no longer consist of visits, only pictures. The last one being my biggest fear. These are all things that we've discussed over and over. It's been a concern of mine from the beginning. If I wasn't able to see my son, and be a part of his life, I may not have chosen adoption. The family I've chosen have always expressed an interest in this type of relationship with me-but once everything is final, I have no say, no rights. It's completely up to them. That's scary. But God led me here. Like I asked him to, he showed me where to go, what to do. He's made everything perfect so far. I have every reason to trust him. Why am I so doubtful? Why am I so scared now?
When I left their place today, Keegan's mom gave me a card. I read it when I got home, and it brought me to tears. Its clear that they have an unsurmountable feeling of gratitude and love towards me, and my presence in their lives. But what really struck me from her message to me, was a story she told me about what she was going through right around the time I found out I was pregnant
- In late July (I found out I was pregnant July 14th) they had all of their adoption "stuff" completed, their website was up, their name was out there--all they had to do was wait. A decent amount of time went by, when most people would become discouraged, she leaned into her faith and kept praying that God lead them to the birthmother they were meant to connect with. More and more time went by, and naturally she became discouraged, thinking maybe it just wasn't meant to be. On one particular day her discouragment hit its peak. She went to church that morning with "a heavy heart" and instead of asking God to lead them to their birthmother, she asked that if it wasn't in His will for them to raise children, that he take the desire to do so from her heart. That day, when she got to work, she turned on her computer and saw the very first message I had sent her.
Amazing.
There is absolutely no doubting that this is, and has been, God's "project" from the start. I need to realize that I'm not in control, and quite frankly, I don't want to be. The only one I need to trust in is Him, and he is completely trustworthy. I really need to let go, and let Him do the work. Afterall, he's WAY better at it than I ever could be.
As for these mood swings...I don't know what to make of them. Hormones? Typical "baby blues"? I have no idea, but I'm ready for them to be over. Becoming a mother, regardless of what kind of mother you become, changes you. It gives you a reason...for everything. It gives you motivation to be a better person, the BEST person that you can possibly be. I have such a drive to make something great out of myself and out of my life, but fighting past these emotions are a bitch. Especially when they're so unpredictable. I just want to find my new "normal" and get back to life.
He was more beautiful today than he was the last time I saw him. He smirked at me today and my heart grew one more size.
I still miss him.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Love Hurts
So here I am. Stuck in the middle of the most amazing and difficult thing I've ever gone through in my entire life-and its only just begun. I am a bottomless pit of emotion these days. They say its not healthy to keep it in. I'm not always great with opening up in front of people, I do much better in writing. I guess I don't like people to see me cry, but I'm quickly getting over that. So I figured maybe this would be therapeutic for me.
I've got so much on my mind that I can't even think of what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss my son. Its so simple, but the emotions that come with that are anything but. I've never felt a pain like this in my life. Its the inexplicably worse than the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced. Ever. 6 days ago I discovered just how much love my heart could hold, 4 days later I discovered just how painful that love can be.
It was an unexpected pregnancy. I am in no position to raise a child, at least not to my standards. Every child deserves the best, but when it comes to mine I will not settle for anything less. I want my child to be able to experience life to the fullest. To have all the endless opportunities that I had growing up. He deserves to have a stable, loving family. A comfortable life. I have very high expectations as to the kind of mother I want to be for my children, and I am not able to be that person right now. I can't give my baby everything I want for him. Coming to terms with that was the first step.
I decided to place my son up for adoption, pretty early on in my pregnancy. I decided on an open adoption; I choose the family, establish a relationship with them which will carry on throughout my child's life. The idea behind an open adoption is that the child will know where they came from. They will have the opportunity to have a relationship with their birth family from the very beginning. While this is a relatively new concept to adoption, its gaining a lot of recognition as it a wonderful alternative to closed adoptions. Most people probably think that the process of choosing adoption, choosing a family etc would be difficult. That was not my experience. Honestly, it was probably the easiest thing I've ever done (especially in relation to this experience). Once I found out there was a life inside of me, I loved it. I wanted the best for it, and the only way I was going to figure out what "the best" was, was to look upward. So that is what I did. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. God took over from there. Within a month or so I had found an amazing family, and it didn't take long before I felt at complete peace with my decision. That was the easy part.
Pregnancy was scary, for a worry wart such as myself. Giving birth was by far the most terrifying thing I've ever gone through. (I don't care what they say, there's nothing natural about it.) But once you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you truly do forget all about it. I can't even find the words to express how it feels to look into the face of a child that God created, and entrusted you with. There is nothing like it. Its the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. To realize that you are in complete control of another human being's life is an incredibly humbling feeling. God must have a lot of faith in me to have given me such a precious piece of life. I got to spend 4 days in the hospital with my baby. 4 wonderful days. He's perfect. I would stay up all night just so I could hold him in my arms while he slept. I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to do so, I took full advantage of it. It's amazing how much you can love someone you just met. He was absolutely beautiful. The man of my dreams, and he broke my heart.
Handing him to his parents wasn't the hard part. In fact, I loved seeing them with him. I loved to see how their faces lit up when they held him. They've been waiting for a child for a couple years. To be able to give them this gift was incredible. Not just them, but their entire family. To be able to give the first grandson, the first nephew...it was awesome. There are now so many people in this world who love this little child, he's going to be spoiled with love. This whole thing has been a blessing in so many ways. My relationship with the adoptive parents is more amazing than I ever thought it would be. We started as strangers, quickly became friends, and are now family. We are incredibly compatible, literally like soul mates. I truly believe that God had this all planned out from the beginning, because its turned out to be a flawless masterpiece. They're going to be awesome parents, and I'm going to be a part of my son's life. He's going to know me from the very start! How cool is that? I get to see my little man several times a year, buy him things, spoil him rotten, then give him back to his parents! Tons of my family came to the hospital to meet my baby and to meet his new family. They all got along perfectly. Everyone loves everyone, and they all love my son. It's incredible. This child is going to have an awesome awesome life. I'm willing to pay the price for that.
...but the price is high. Here I sit, unable to go 20 minutes without crying. Like I said, realizing my inadequacy as a parent, choosing adoption, finding a family, those were the easy parts. Lying in bed at night remembering the beautiful little boy I held in my arms is the hard part. I have no regrets. I have no doubts or concerns. I just miss him so much. Its an indescribable pain. I close my eyes, and I see his face. I feel like a part of me has died. I hate this feeling. I want to be happy. I want to be happy for my son, because he's perfect in every way. I want to be happy for his family, because this is the happiest moment of their lives. I want to be happy for my family because they have a new baby to love, and I want to be happy for myself, for being a part of something so incredible...but all I can feel right now is the pain. It's overwhelming. Deep down inside I know it will get easier with time. One day I will be able to look at his picture and not break down into tears. I'm in a dark place right now, and that's unfortunate because there is so much beauty around me. Love doesn't even seem like a big enough word to describe how I feel for my baby Keegan. Whatever this feeling is, its the most beautiful, wonderful, wretched feeling I've ever felt.
...I thought letting things out was supposed to make you feel better. I guess that takes time too.
Thanks for listening.
I've got so much on my mind that I can't even think of what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss my son. Its so simple, but the emotions that come with that are anything but. I've never felt a pain like this in my life. Its the inexplicably worse than the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced. Ever. 6 days ago I discovered just how much love my heart could hold, 4 days later I discovered just how painful that love can be.
It was an unexpected pregnancy. I am in no position to raise a child, at least not to my standards. Every child deserves the best, but when it comes to mine I will not settle for anything less. I want my child to be able to experience life to the fullest. To have all the endless opportunities that I had growing up. He deserves to have a stable, loving family. A comfortable life. I have very high expectations as to the kind of mother I want to be for my children, and I am not able to be that person right now. I can't give my baby everything I want for him. Coming to terms with that was the first step.
I decided to place my son up for adoption, pretty early on in my pregnancy. I decided on an open adoption; I choose the family, establish a relationship with them which will carry on throughout my child's life. The idea behind an open adoption is that the child will know where they came from. They will have the opportunity to have a relationship with their birth family from the very beginning. While this is a relatively new concept to adoption, its gaining a lot of recognition as it a wonderful alternative to closed adoptions. Most people probably think that the process of choosing adoption, choosing a family etc would be difficult. That was not my experience. Honestly, it was probably the easiest thing I've ever done (especially in relation to this experience). Once I found out there was a life inside of me, I loved it. I wanted the best for it, and the only way I was going to figure out what "the best" was, was to look upward. So that is what I did. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. God took over from there. Within a month or so I had found an amazing family, and it didn't take long before I felt at complete peace with my decision. That was the easy part.
Pregnancy was scary, for a worry wart such as myself. Giving birth was by far the most terrifying thing I've ever gone through. (I don't care what they say, there's nothing natural about it.) But once you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you truly do forget all about it. I can't even find the words to express how it feels to look into the face of a child that God created, and entrusted you with. There is nothing like it. Its the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. To realize that you are in complete control of another human being's life is an incredibly humbling feeling. God must have a lot of faith in me to have given me such a precious piece of life. I got to spend 4 days in the hospital with my baby. 4 wonderful days. He's perfect. I would stay up all night just so I could hold him in my arms while he slept. I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to do so, I took full advantage of it. It's amazing how much you can love someone you just met. He was absolutely beautiful. The man of my dreams, and he broke my heart.
Handing him to his parents wasn't the hard part. In fact, I loved seeing them with him. I loved to see how their faces lit up when they held him. They've been waiting for a child for a couple years. To be able to give them this gift was incredible. Not just them, but their entire family. To be able to give the first grandson, the first nephew...it was awesome. There are now so many people in this world who love this little child, he's going to be spoiled with love. This whole thing has been a blessing in so many ways. My relationship with the adoptive parents is more amazing than I ever thought it would be. We started as strangers, quickly became friends, and are now family. We are incredibly compatible, literally like soul mates. I truly believe that God had this all planned out from the beginning, because its turned out to be a flawless masterpiece. They're going to be awesome parents, and I'm going to be a part of my son's life. He's going to know me from the very start! How cool is that? I get to see my little man several times a year, buy him things, spoil him rotten, then give him back to his parents! Tons of my family came to the hospital to meet my baby and to meet his new family. They all got along perfectly. Everyone loves everyone, and they all love my son. It's incredible. This child is going to have an awesome awesome life. I'm willing to pay the price for that.
...but the price is high. Here I sit, unable to go 20 minutes without crying. Like I said, realizing my inadequacy as a parent, choosing adoption, finding a family, those were the easy parts. Lying in bed at night remembering the beautiful little boy I held in my arms is the hard part. I have no regrets. I have no doubts or concerns. I just miss him so much. Its an indescribable pain. I close my eyes, and I see his face. I feel like a part of me has died. I hate this feeling. I want to be happy. I want to be happy for my son, because he's perfect in every way. I want to be happy for his family, because this is the happiest moment of their lives. I want to be happy for my family because they have a new baby to love, and I want to be happy for myself, for being a part of something so incredible...but all I can feel right now is the pain. It's overwhelming. Deep down inside I know it will get easier with time. One day I will be able to look at his picture and not break down into tears. I'm in a dark place right now, and that's unfortunate because there is so much beauty around me. Love doesn't even seem like a big enough word to describe how I feel for my baby Keegan. Whatever this feeling is, its the most beautiful, wonderful, wretched feeling I've ever felt.
...I thought letting things out was supposed to make you feel better. I guess that takes time too.
Thanks for listening.
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