Having grown up an only child I know what it's like to have everything I want. Even more, when I reflect on my life I cannot recall a time when I had to go without something I NEEDED. I've never had to go without food, water, clean clothes on my back or a roof over my head. I've never had to go without lunch money, new pens/pencils and notebooks, or new shoes for school. I've never had to miss out playing on the basketball team because my family couldn't afford it and I never had to worry about not having a ride if I ever wanted to go somewhere. ...I could go on and on.
Bottom line: I've NEVER been in need, and seldom have I wanted for something I didn't get. I'm spoiled.
I've always known it, but it hit me like a ton of bricks while I was walking downtown to a Reds game this week. Among the several homeless people we passed on our couple block walk from the car to the ballpark was a homeless man I see every time I'm down there. I stopped just to say "hi". Before I continued walking I said, "have a good night." to which he responded, "if I could get some food, it will be a good night."
I've never known that feeling; to be hungry and not know when or how I'm going to eat next. My friend suggested we buy him something to eat. Embarrassingly my initial thought was, "I really shouldn't be spending any money like that, I've got a car payment coming up.
Wow. A CAR payment. On top of that car I've also got; a comfy bed with a nice down comforter, a flat screen TV in my room that is far too big, a laptop and brand new computer, a closet full of clean clothes, a fridge packed with food and a $200 cell phone. All this and I thought twice about spending $5 to buy someone dinner who was hungry. I was ashamed of myself.
I'd like to say that material possessions hold little value to me, but that's likely because I've always had them and take them for granted. I realize how spoiled I am, and over the past couple years I haven't wanted much in terms of materialistic things. But when I pray at night I'm always asking for something. For some situation to turn out how I want it to, for some worry I have to be put to rest, some question to be answered, some direction to be given, etc. Even in regard to these wants I am spoiled. Especially over the past year, God has blessed me like crazy. Not one prayer has gone unanswered. I'm in a place in my life that I never thought I would see. ...and still, every night I pray for something. I want something, I ask for something.
I almost feel as if I'm getting greedy with God's blessings. Truth be told, I have more than I could ever want, need or ask for and I always have.
So since that Monday night encounter in downtown Cincinnati I've limited my prayer requests to one thing: contentment. I want to be content simply with the fact that I have a relationship with the Savior of the world, and He loves me. There is nothing more I should need or want. Having Him is the answer to any and all of my prayers. He will give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). He has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11). If I seek Him first, He will take care of me (Matthew 6:33). He is enough.
After we handed over the Wendy's bag to the homeless man downtown, a huge smile ran across his face. How happy he was over such a simple gesture made me realize something: God has treated me as if I were His only child. He has completely spoiled me since the day I was born. It's past time I stop worrying, wanting and asking for more and start sharing with my brothers and sisters. Recklessly.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
"...shine your light and let the whole world see"
Bold. Not hesitating or fearful. Forward. Beyond the usual limits of conventional thought o action. Clearly more than a text font. Over the past couple weeks I've noticed that my bold-o-meter is reading dangerously low. More recently I've felt a gentle push towards exploring what this "being bold" thing is all about and what it really means for me. As it turns out...it's essential.
Some friends and I set out to serve some people this week. Before hand we took some time to pray and listen to where/who God was leading us. When we arrived at our destination we walked around to scope out the scene. Immediately someone caught my eye. Just an average looking guy with a little boy (presumably his son). Nothing really stood out about him but I felt incredibly drawn towards him. I pointed him out to one of my friends and he felt the same way. I didn't need any more proof. I was convinced-- that is who we came to serve.
I sat down on a bench in close proximity to this guy- working out my nervousness (or at least trying to) and thinking of what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, what he was going to think etc. I decided the best ice breaker would be to target the little boy. So I approached and asked if we could buy the little guy some ice cream. So we all walked over to the concession stand, lo and behold, it was closed. I was stuck. My plan had completely stalled out. I didn't know what to say or do. As an act of desperation I suggested to my friend that we give them the money we were going to use for the ice cream. They refused to take it, adamantly. We parted ways, they walked back to the play area and soon after went home ....all the while I'm sitting on the wall with this overwhelming feeling that I was here to say something, do something, make some sort of an impact on him but had absolutely no courage to do so (not to mention I feared I had already freaked them out enough and possibly insulted them by offering the money). Walking back towards the rest of the group, my friend was obviously a little frustrated at the whole thing. He kept saying, "we missed our chance..." My response to him was, "Nah, I really don't think God would let us pass it up- it happened the way it was supposed to." After unpacking the events of the evening, I've realized that my line of logic there is incredibly flawed.
We are put here on earth to serve (aka love). Thanks to the gift of free will, to love is a choice. It has to be, otherwise it's not genuine. ...it's not real love. We make the choice to love or not to love - the latter resulting in a world of pain and sadness. If God "didn't let us pass up" our opportunities to love and serve there would be no hunger, no homelessness, no needless deaths, no hatred, no killing etc. Look around you, clearly that's not the case.
God does let us pass up our chances to love. He wants us to choose to love. Choose to love Him and choose to love others. We're not forced into any of this. To love others we must serve them. That can take may different forms, but almost all of them require us to do one thing: be bold.
Why is this so hard?!? Maybe it's just me and it comes easily to everyone else, but man I really struggle with it! For the past few days I've been trying to understand why. It seems to all boil down to one thing, fear. Fear of feeling awkward, fear of being judged, fear of rejection, fear of what someone might think if I just walked up to them and started telling them how much God loves them no matter what they do.
I'm continuously learning how following Jesus is a lot like "going against the grain". Often times it feels uncomfortable or awkward. We've been nurtured into a society that doesn't even know how to accept radical undeserved love, let alone express it. But if we're going to bring the Kingdom of God to anyone (and that is our job) then we have to overcome that. Some way, some how.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the 11 apostles who were still around to see Jesus resurrected. They were so convicted that they would witness to everyone and anyone. Nothing could deter them from spreading the Good News. Not awkwardness, not judgment, not rejection, not even death. Now that's BOLD.
I aspire to possess that level of audacity. I too have seen the resurrection. The resurrection of new life in me and those around me, through Jesus. Since I've turned my life over to God it has never been the same. If I'm not sharing that with EVERYONE, then what am I doing, really?
I've had a lot of opportunities to exhibit boldness lately. From scientologists to homeless folk. I think I'm going to seek out more opportunities like those. It's time to break out of this society created shell and stop passing up my opportunities to love.
"Freedom lies in being bold" - Robert Frost
Some friends and I set out to serve some people this week. Before hand we took some time to pray and listen to where/who God was leading us. When we arrived at our destination we walked around to scope out the scene. Immediately someone caught my eye. Just an average looking guy with a little boy (presumably his son). Nothing really stood out about him but I felt incredibly drawn towards him. I pointed him out to one of my friends and he felt the same way. I didn't need any more proof. I was convinced-- that is who we came to serve.
I sat down on a bench in close proximity to this guy- working out my nervousness (or at least trying to) and thinking of what I was going to say, how I was going to say it, what he was going to think etc. I decided the best ice breaker would be to target the little boy. So I approached and asked if we could buy the little guy some ice cream. So we all walked over to the concession stand, lo and behold, it was closed. I was stuck. My plan had completely stalled out. I didn't know what to say or do. As an act of desperation I suggested to my friend that we give them the money we were going to use for the ice cream. They refused to take it, adamantly. We parted ways, they walked back to the play area and soon after went home ....all the while I'm sitting on the wall with this overwhelming feeling that I was here to say something, do something, make some sort of an impact on him but had absolutely no courage to do so (not to mention I feared I had already freaked them out enough and possibly insulted them by offering the money). Walking back towards the rest of the group, my friend was obviously a little frustrated at the whole thing. He kept saying, "we missed our chance..." My response to him was, "Nah, I really don't think God would let us pass it up- it happened the way it was supposed to." After unpacking the events of the evening, I've realized that my line of logic there is incredibly flawed.
We are put here on earth to serve (aka love). Thanks to the gift of free will, to love is a choice. It has to be, otherwise it's not genuine. ...it's not real love. We make the choice to love or not to love - the latter resulting in a world of pain and sadness. If God "didn't let us pass up" our opportunities to love and serve there would be no hunger, no homelessness, no needless deaths, no hatred, no killing etc. Look around you, clearly that's not the case.
God does let us pass up our chances to love. He wants us to choose to love. Choose to love Him and choose to love others. We're not forced into any of this. To love others we must serve them. That can take may different forms, but almost all of them require us to do one thing: be bold.
Why is this so hard?!? Maybe it's just me and it comes easily to everyone else, but man I really struggle with it! For the past few days I've been trying to understand why. It seems to all boil down to one thing, fear. Fear of feeling awkward, fear of being judged, fear of rejection, fear of what someone might think if I just walked up to them and started telling them how much God loves them no matter what they do.
I'm continuously learning how following Jesus is a lot like "going against the grain". Often times it feels uncomfortable or awkward. We've been nurtured into a society that doesn't even know how to accept radical undeserved love, let alone express it. But if we're going to bring the Kingdom of God to anyone (and that is our job) then we have to overcome that. Some way, some how.
Recently I've been thinking a lot about the 11 apostles who were still around to see Jesus resurrected. They were so convicted that they would witness to everyone and anyone. Nothing could deter them from spreading the Good News. Not awkwardness, not judgment, not rejection, not even death. Now that's BOLD.
I aspire to possess that level of audacity. I too have seen the resurrection. The resurrection of new life in me and those around me, through Jesus. Since I've turned my life over to God it has never been the same. If I'm not sharing that with EVERYONE, then what am I doing, really?
I've had a lot of opportunities to exhibit boldness lately. From scientologists to homeless folk. I think I'm going to seek out more opportunities like those. It's time to break out of this society created shell and stop passing up my opportunities to love.
"Freedom lies in being bold" - Robert Frost
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Masquerade
I was talking to a friend the other day when we somehow got on the topic of zodiac signs. Now I've never believed one's astrological sign held much truth as to the kind of person he/she is. I've always considered it somewhat hokey. But for the sake of conversation, I looked up my zodiac sign (Taurus) to see what "the stars" had to say about me...
"Taurus do not express their feelings openly and their inner self is contained and secretive. Many people do not know how sensitive Taurus really is. Taurus avoids talking about their emotions and many people never really know how they feel."
I have to say, the accuracy of this is uncanny. I tend to come off as an extrovert. Open, boisterous, outspoken. While I am all these things to an extent, when it comes to my emotions and how I'm really feeling, I am very closed off. I don't know why, its almost habitual.
I've never considered myself the kind of person who wears masks, rather the kind of person who is an open book. What you see is what you get. I'm realizing that isn't even close to being true. I tend to keep my true feelings under wrap so much that I even hide them from myself sometimes. ...if that makes any sense. On a good day when I'm feeling GREAT I tend to dismiss the fact that there are still some things that I am feeling that aren't so...great. Then once the "I'm feeling GREAT" buzz wears off, these other feelings creep back up and I'm left wondering where they came from. They were there all along, I just shove them so far into the back of my "closet" that they're hard to find.
A good example would be the way I've been feeling lately. Per my previous post, you will notice that I've been feeling pretty good and very optimistic about the future. What you won't notice is that I've also been feeling very lonely. Despite the awesome family and friends I am often surrounded by, loneliness has been a companion of mine for quite a while now. I don't want to discount my friends and family because they mean more to me than I can express, and their presence is a blessing. The loneliness I feel is from a lack of companionship. As much as it might suck, I've dealt with it. I have faith that its in God's hands. When the time is right, it will happen. ...but that doesn't always take the sting away. Over the past few weeks I've been feeling increasingly lonely, and today it hit a high point (or low point may be more appropriate). As a result, I crawled into bed at about 3 in the afternoon and cried. After about an hour, I realized that I wasn't crying so much out of loneliness as I was out of grief. I miss my baby. I miss him a lot, and it still hurts. It got me wondering how much of my increasing loneliness stems from missing him. Or maybe missing him just intensifies the lonely that I feel. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm good at hiding it. Which probably isn't a good thing. Its automatic at this point. I'm just so used to putting on my "happy face". Its easy to wear that mask when I'm around my friends and family because being around them makes me happy. It isn't until I find myself alone again that the feelings I've pushed away begin to resurface. But the truth is, I am lonely, pretty much all the time. There are a few hours during the week where its not as intense, but it never really goes away.
Maybe I should recondition myself to stop putting on my "happy face". That's not to say that I should walk around acting sad and lonely all the time-because there are many times where I feel genuinely happy. But I do have feelings of loneliness and sadness. They're present every day and are very real. I think it's important they be acknowledged.
"Taurus do not express their feelings openly and their inner self is contained and secretive. Many people do not know how sensitive Taurus really is. Taurus avoids talking about their emotions and many people never really know how they feel."
I have to say, the accuracy of this is uncanny. I tend to come off as an extrovert. Open, boisterous, outspoken. While I am all these things to an extent, when it comes to my emotions and how I'm really feeling, I am very closed off. I don't know why, its almost habitual.
I've never considered myself the kind of person who wears masks, rather the kind of person who is an open book. What you see is what you get. I'm realizing that isn't even close to being true. I tend to keep my true feelings under wrap so much that I even hide them from myself sometimes. ...if that makes any sense. On a good day when I'm feeling GREAT I tend to dismiss the fact that there are still some things that I am feeling that aren't so...great. Then once the "I'm feeling GREAT" buzz wears off, these other feelings creep back up and I'm left wondering where they came from. They were there all along, I just shove them so far into the back of my "closet" that they're hard to find.
A good example would be the way I've been feeling lately. Per my previous post, you will notice that I've been feeling pretty good and very optimistic about the future. What you won't notice is that I've also been feeling very lonely. Despite the awesome family and friends I am often surrounded by, loneliness has been a companion of mine for quite a while now. I don't want to discount my friends and family because they mean more to me than I can express, and their presence is a blessing. The loneliness I feel is from a lack of companionship. As much as it might suck, I've dealt with it. I have faith that its in God's hands. When the time is right, it will happen. ...but that doesn't always take the sting away. Over the past few weeks I've been feeling increasingly lonely, and today it hit a high point (or low point may be more appropriate). As a result, I crawled into bed at about 3 in the afternoon and cried. After about an hour, I realized that I wasn't crying so much out of loneliness as I was out of grief. I miss my baby. I miss him a lot, and it still hurts. It got me wondering how much of my increasing loneliness stems from missing him. Or maybe missing him just intensifies the lonely that I feel. I don't know.
All I know is that I'm good at hiding it. Which probably isn't a good thing. Its automatic at this point. I'm just so used to putting on my "happy face". Its easy to wear that mask when I'm around my friends and family because being around them makes me happy. It isn't until I find myself alone again that the feelings I've pushed away begin to resurface. But the truth is, I am lonely, pretty much all the time. There are a few hours during the week where its not as intense, but it never really goes away.
Maybe I should recondition myself to stop putting on my "happy face". That's not to say that I should walk around acting sad and lonely all the time-because there are many times where I feel genuinely happy. But I do have feelings of loneliness and sadness. They're present every day and are very real. I think it's important they be acknowledged.
Friday, March 5, 2010
smelling the roses
I've never had an experience quite like the one I had today. Maybe I shouldn't call it an experience, but an epiphany.
I've been feeling pretty good lately. Actually that's probably an understatement. I've been feeling really good. I don't walk around in a cloud of sadness anymore. I look forward to doing things. I can actually enjoy myself when I'm out with my friends or family, or I can even be in a good mood when I'm home by myself! The motivation to go after my goals isn't as hard to muster up as it has been in the past month or so. I don't cry every day, I don't even cry every other day. I don't wake up in a cloud of sadness that seems to linger all day...actually I haven't felt sad in a while.
To an outsider this may seem like a great thing, but to me its been kind of frightening. Keegan is only 5 weeks old, and I'm already feeling like I am moving on with my life. Am I really that heartless? There was a point in time, not too long ago that I felt as if I had been shattered into a million pieces with little hope of ever getting the pieces to fit back together quite right. Now, just a couple weeks later I smile easy, laugh often, and am starting to realize that not only can I put the pieces of my life back together, but I can make it better than it ever has been before. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something missing in my heart makes this whole thing seemingly easier on me than it should be? ...These have been the thoughts/fears I've been wrestling with for a little over a week now. Literally convincing myself that because I'm feeling so great, there must be something wrong with me. I must be lacking emotion, heart, mental stability...something!!!
I was just sitting here when it hit me. God heard me. A couple of weeks ago I hit a real low point. I was in the shower (awkward, I know) when I completely broke down. I cried out to God-that if he could just take this intense pain and fear away from me, that I would find a way to deal with the rest. Here I am two weeks later wondering why I'm feeling so great and that it must be a sign that something is seriously wrong with me. When in fact, this is God telling me that He's been listening.
I feel sort of dumb actually. I've been crying out to God all this time, almost feeling forgotten because I haven't heard some booming voice from the clouds above. Then I wake up (figuratively speaking) and realize that my prayer has already been answered-and I'm sitting here making it out to be some sort of emotional deficit on my part. I'm pretty sure God is up there getting a pretty good kick out of this-as he should.
I am just in complete awe right now. He never ceases to amaze me-even when I'm not paying attention. It's undoubtedly by God's grace that I am sitting here today, looking at a picture of my beautiful baby boy with a smile on my face thinking, "Man, life is good." It chokes me up, and this time these are tears of joy. I am blessed beyond comprehension, and I've done nothing to deserve it.
"Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6
Saturday, February 13, 2010
I'm okay...maybe
Today is okay. For that reason alone I felt the need to write a post. Normally when I'm prompted to write its because I'm feeling very down, sad and overwhelmed. Today, I'm just here. Maybe even a little better than here, maybe I'm feeling okay...maybe.
Keegan and his family went home yesterday. It wasn't as dreadful as I had anticipated, just a little uncomfortable. I think the reason I felt uncomfortable is because it wasn't made out to be a big deal. After having lunch, we walked outside, gave hugs and said "see ya later". Like it was nothing, no big deal. I sat in the parking lot for about a half hour, not really knowing how to feel about what just happened. Then the thought crossed me that, maybe it wasn't made out to be a big deal because...its not. No long, drawn on, monumental "goodbyes" because it's not goodbye. After entertaining that thought, I was comforted by the simplicity of our "departing" experience. In hindsight, had it been a bigger deal, maybe it would have hurt a little more.
...Anyways, I'm glad they got to go home. I know they were getting anxious to get settled with everything-and they were feeling a bit couped up. I'm sure they're much more comfortable now, and that makes me happy.
I wrote another letter to Keegan this morning. He was the first thought that crossed my mind as I arose from unconsciousness-so instead of dwelling on it and sulking in sorrow, I decided to write to him about how I was feeling. I feel like it is important for him to understand the magnitude of everything, when he's able to actually grasp the whole concept. I just wanted him to know how much I love him, and that loving him so much makes this process difficult for me, but that I was determined to make it through because I want to show him that no matter what life throws at you, you can ALWAYS rise above.
I wanted to relay to him the overwhelming joy and love I felt for him the very first moment I held him in my arms, but I failed miserably. There really are no words to express something like that. In my letters to him I find myself constantly saying how much I love him, as if my redundancy is going to really paint the picture for him. It is slightly frustrating to feel like I can't express myself satisfactorily, but my faith comforts me. Even though this has been a personal journey for me, this is Keegan's story, and God has been writing it from the very beginning. With that in mind, I am confident that part of his story is going to include him fully understanding how much I really love him...someday. That day, though many many years away, is a day I anxiously wait for.
So I'll never see my son as a newborn again. The next time I see him, he'll likely be a few months old. It sucks, but birthmothers aren't the only ones that have to deal with that sadness. They just don't get as much of the newborn experience as they'd like to have. That's okay, I've got hundreds of pictures to document his first couple weeks of life. Children grow. That's what they do.
On an unrelated note, the heart is an unusual thing. I'm not speaking of the physical beating heart with arteries and ventricles,I'm talking about your heart of hearts. That which moves you. (well I guess your physical heart plays a big role in moving you)..but I mean really moves you. The thing that allows you to feel love, happiness, pain, loss, desire, etc. That heart, is an unusual thing. At times, it almost feels like it WANTS to be sad, or rather that its supposed to be sad-and if during a time where you're "supposed" to be sad, you feel a shred of happiness, it feels like a betrayal. Last night as I was driving around aimlessly, a song came on the radio that I love, and hadn't heard in quite some time. I turned it up and started to sing along, actually feeling good. Within a minute or so, I hear the back of my mind knocking on the front of my mind's door saying, "um..hello?! What are you doing? You're supposed to be sad." I sometimes feel a hint of guilt any time Keegan is not the number one thing on my mind. Like if I'm not constantly thinking of him, I'm going to forget him--which CLEARLY is never going to be the case. It's strange. Quite strange.
I had a phone conversation with a good friend last night. It was awesome. What was so awesome about it is that I was able to actually have an engaging conversation about something other than my current situation, and all things included. It felt good, and I don't feel bad about it.
Not to put the cart before the horse here, but I believe I'm taking steps in the right direction.
but not without the help of you all...
Keegan and his family went home yesterday. It wasn't as dreadful as I had anticipated, just a little uncomfortable. I think the reason I felt uncomfortable is because it wasn't made out to be a big deal. After having lunch, we walked outside, gave hugs and said "see ya later". Like it was nothing, no big deal. I sat in the parking lot for about a half hour, not really knowing how to feel about what just happened. Then the thought crossed me that, maybe it wasn't made out to be a big deal because...its not. No long, drawn on, monumental "goodbyes" because it's not goodbye. After entertaining that thought, I was comforted by the simplicity of our "departing" experience. In hindsight, had it been a bigger deal, maybe it would have hurt a little more.
...Anyways, I'm glad they got to go home. I know they were getting anxious to get settled with everything-and they were feeling a bit couped up. I'm sure they're much more comfortable now, and that makes me happy.
I wrote another letter to Keegan this morning. He was the first thought that crossed my mind as I arose from unconsciousness-so instead of dwelling on it and sulking in sorrow, I decided to write to him about how I was feeling. I feel like it is important for him to understand the magnitude of everything, when he's able to actually grasp the whole concept. I just wanted him to know how much I love him, and that loving him so much makes this process difficult for me, but that I was determined to make it through because I want to show him that no matter what life throws at you, you can ALWAYS rise above.
I wanted to relay to him the overwhelming joy and love I felt for him the very first moment I held him in my arms, but I failed miserably. There really are no words to express something like that. In my letters to him I find myself constantly saying how much I love him, as if my redundancy is going to really paint the picture for him. It is slightly frustrating to feel like I can't express myself satisfactorily, but my faith comforts me. Even though this has been a personal journey for me, this is Keegan's story, and God has been writing it from the very beginning. With that in mind, I am confident that part of his story is going to include him fully understanding how much I really love him...someday. That day, though many many years away, is a day I anxiously wait for.
So I'll never see my son as a newborn again. The next time I see him, he'll likely be a few months old. It sucks, but birthmothers aren't the only ones that have to deal with that sadness. They just don't get as much of the newborn experience as they'd like to have. That's okay, I've got hundreds of pictures to document his first couple weeks of life. Children grow. That's what they do.
On an unrelated note, the heart is an unusual thing. I'm not speaking of the physical beating heart with arteries and ventricles,I'm talking about your heart of hearts. That which moves you. (well I guess your physical heart plays a big role in moving you)..but I mean really moves you. The thing that allows you to feel love, happiness, pain, loss, desire, etc. That heart, is an unusual thing. At times, it almost feels like it WANTS to be sad, or rather that its supposed to be sad-and if during a time where you're "supposed" to be sad, you feel a shred of happiness, it feels like a betrayal. Last night as I was driving around aimlessly, a song came on the radio that I love, and hadn't heard in quite some time. I turned it up and started to sing along, actually feeling good. Within a minute or so, I hear the back of my mind knocking on the front of my mind's door saying, "um..hello?! What are you doing? You're supposed to be sad." I sometimes feel a hint of guilt any time Keegan is not the number one thing on my mind. Like if I'm not constantly thinking of him, I'm going to forget him--which CLEARLY is never going to be the case. It's strange. Quite strange.
I had a phone conversation with a good friend last night. It was awesome. What was so awesome about it is that I was able to actually have an engaging conversation about something other than my current situation, and all things included. It felt good, and I don't feel bad about it.
Not to put the cart before the horse here, but I believe I'm taking steps in the right direction.
but not without the help of you all...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
empty
I ventured out into the world today. I went to class. I woke up feeling like I would rather stay in bed, but I forced myself to go. "They" say getting out is supposed to help. Well I don't feel much different. I spent the 45 minute drive to school crying, the 75 minute ethics class constantly trying to re-direct my thoughts to ethics, and the traffic induced 1.5 drive home crying again. Oh! I did stop for gas.
I don't know what my point is. I guess just to say that I don't think it helped. I find myself just going through the motions. Literally walking like a zombie, blankly staring off into the distance. You know when something moves so quickly that it doesn't even look like its moving at all? That's me. Constantly there are a million things racing through my head, but I almost feel nothing. Nothing but....hurt. Non-specific, empty, hurt.
That's all for now. My head hurts.
I don't know what my point is. I guess just to say that I don't think it helped. I find myself just going through the motions. Literally walking like a zombie, blankly staring off into the distance. You know when something moves so quickly that it doesn't even look like its moving at all? That's me. Constantly there are a million things racing through my head, but I almost feel nothing. Nothing but....hurt. Non-specific, empty, hurt.
That's all for now. My head hurts.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
bad days and worse days
I'm so full of emotion right now I feel like I need to let it out. All I can do is just stare at this empty white box-nothing comes to me. What do I say? Nothing I type seems to really do a justice to what I'm feeling inside. I feel like run the risk of being redundant or dramatic or any other undesirable adjective you can think of.
I was talking on the phone to a good friend today, and I think I may have jinxed myself. I told him that I was having a good day today. In fact, when asked how I'm doing, I often respond with "there are good days, and there are bad days." That isn't really true at all. There are bad days and then there are worse days. To be honest would be to say that there isn't ever a moment, not one second, where I don't feel this heavy heavy sadness in my chest. Right around where my heart would be.
I get angry with myself because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am surrounded by so many amazing people who genuinely care about me, and are here for me every step of the way. They get how huge this is for me and have made themselves into the huge cushion that I fall down on daily. I'm even lucky enough to have an awesome best friend, who has gone through the same thing I'm going through, to remind me that everything I'm feeling is normal. She reminds me frequently that I am, in fact, not losing my mind. On top of all of this, my family has doubled. I now have Keegan, and his mom & dad, his grandmas, his aunts & uncles to call family-and they're all awesome. His parents especially have been amazing. They've accepted me and my family into their lives. They've allowed me to see Keegan several times while they're still here in town-when they really don't have to. Every time I see/talk to them they give me more reason to discount my fear that they will ever cut me out of their lives. I'm so blessed to have all of these people in my life.
So how is it possible for me to still feel so alone??
I don't understand all of this. I've always been the kind of person who can wrestle well with my emotions. I understand them, I rationalize them, and take the reins. But I can't rationalize something I don't understand. And this, I don't understand at all. I have so much to be happy for, yet I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I have many many wonderful people supporting me, yet I feel completely alone. They say its grief. I went so far as to look up the stages of grief-Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance- I don't feel that any of these apply to me. Where does heartbreak fit in? Are there no steps for that? No process?
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...but thats where it stays. The longer I keep crawling through the tunnel, the longer the tunnel gets.
I'm haunted by a statement I made several months ago: "I will willingly suffer for the rest of my life if it means that my son will have the best life he could possibly have."
I hadn't the slightest clue how painful this would be.
And still, no regrets.
I was talking on the phone to a good friend today, and I think I may have jinxed myself. I told him that I was having a good day today. In fact, when asked how I'm doing, I often respond with "there are good days, and there are bad days." That isn't really true at all. There are bad days and then there are worse days. To be honest would be to say that there isn't ever a moment, not one second, where I don't feel this heavy heavy sadness in my chest. Right around where my heart would be.
I get angry with myself because I have SO MUCH to be thankful for. I am surrounded by so many amazing people who genuinely care about me, and are here for me every step of the way. They get how huge this is for me and have made themselves into the huge cushion that I fall down on daily. I'm even lucky enough to have an awesome best friend, who has gone through the same thing I'm going through, to remind me that everything I'm feeling is normal. She reminds me frequently that I am, in fact, not losing my mind. On top of all of this, my family has doubled. I now have Keegan, and his mom & dad, his grandmas, his aunts & uncles to call family-and they're all awesome. His parents especially have been amazing. They've accepted me and my family into their lives. They've allowed me to see Keegan several times while they're still here in town-when they really don't have to. Every time I see/talk to them they give me more reason to discount my fear that they will ever cut me out of their lives. I'm so blessed to have all of these people in my life.
So how is it possible for me to still feel so alone??
I don't understand all of this. I've always been the kind of person who can wrestle well with my emotions. I understand them, I rationalize them, and take the reins. But I can't rationalize something I don't understand. And this, I don't understand at all. I have so much to be happy for, yet I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I have many many wonderful people supporting me, yet I feel completely alone. They say its grief. I went so far as to look up the stages of grief-Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance- I don't feel that any of these apply to me. Where does heartbreak fit in? Are there no steps for that? No process?
I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...but thats where it stays. The longer I keep crawling through the tunnel, the longer the tunnel gets.
I'm haunted by a statement I made several months ago: "I will willingly suffer for the rest of my life if it means that my son will have the best life he could possibly have."
I hadn't the slightest clue how painful this would be.
And still, no regrets.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Letting Go(d)
Today was a good day. I had lunch with Keegan's parents and grandma. I got to see him for a few hours, it was nice. I didn't break down and cry at the sight of him like I thought I might-so that was a plus. I felt really good today, about everything- but now I'm not feeling so great. Feeling a little down, and a little weepy. Kind of like I just want to be alone, but I'm trying to avoid isolation.
I don't understand all of this really. I don't understand these sporadic mood changes. How can I be feeling great one moment, confident that I really can make it through this and everything is going to be awesome; and then the next moment feel like I want to crawl under a rock and die? The reality is that things couldn't have worked out any better, for everyone involved. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, but I still manage to feel completely miserable.
Keegan's dad called me last night. It didn't seem like he had anything in particular he wanted to talk about, just called to chat. It was awesome because we were able to just have a real conversation, like friends and family do. Nothing superficial, completely comfortable. We talked for about an hour, ranging from Keegan's birthfather, our own families, thoughts on adoption, and even to what Keegan would refer to me, and other members of our family as (when he gets older of course). The fact that they are thinking about that now, however premature it may be, really means a lot to me. It shows that they really do intend on having me (and my family) as a part of their lives permanently. One of my biggest fears throughout this process is, and continues to be, that once everything is finalized, they will begin to cut me out of the picture. They have given me no reason to think this, infact they've given me every reason to think the contrary. Maybe its natural for me to have that fear, maybe its me being paranoid-probably a little bit of both. I guess it all comes down to trust. Not trust in myself, or in them, but trust in God. Afterall, he's the one that orchestrated this whole thing from the beginning.
When I reflect back on everything that's happened in the last 6-7 months, I remember that as soon as things became complicated (meaning as soon as I found out I was pregnant), I turned to God. I didn't know how to handle it, or what to do, so I just relinquished control. Now the situation has evolved, and has become even more difficult than before. So why, of all times, do I find myself grasping at every thread of control that I possibly can? If I needed God to take over when I found out I was pregnant, why do I feel like I need him any less now? A huge contributor to a lot of my anxieties is fear. Fear of the unknown. More specifically, fear that things wont work out the way that we've talked about. Fear that this beautiful relationship between our families will stall out. Fear that I won't get to see my boy grow up. Fear that I won't be able to be a part of his life, and that my relationship with him will no longer consist of visits, only pictures. The last one being my biggest fear. These are all things that we've discussed over and over. It's been a concern of mine from the beginning. If I wasn't able to see my son, and be a part of his life, I may not have chosen adoption. The family I've chosen have always expressed an interest in this type of relationship with me-but once everything is final, I have no say, no rights. It's completely up to them. That's scary. But God led me here. Like I asked him to, he showed me where to go, what to do. He's made everything perfect so far. I have every reason to trust him. Why am I so doubtful? Why am I so scared now?
When I left their place today, Keegan's mom gave me a card. I read it when I got home, and it brought me to tears. Its clear that they have an unsurmountable feeling of gratitude and love towards me, and my presence in their lives. But what really struck me from her message to me, was a story she told me about what she was going through right around the time I found out I was pregnant
- In late July (I found out I was pregnant July 14th) they had all of their adoption "stuff" completed, their website was up, their name was out there--all they had to do was wait. A decent amount of time went by, when most people would become discouraged, she leaned into her faith and kept praying that God lead them to the birthmother they were meant to connect with. More and more time went by, and naturally she became discouraged, thinking maybe it just wasn't meant to be. On one particular day her discouragment hit its peak. She went to church that morning with "a heavy heart" and instead of asking God to lead them to their birthmother, she asked that if it wasn't in His will for them to raise children, that he take the desire to do so from her heart. That day, when she got to work, she turned on her computer and saw the very first message I had sent her.
Amazing.
There is absolutely no doubting that this is, and has been, God's "project" from the start. I need to realize that I'm not in control, and quite frankly, I don't want to be. The only one I need to trust in is Him, and he is completely trustworthy. I really need to let go, and let Him do the work. Afterall, he's WAY better at it than I ever could be.
As for these mood swings...I don't know what to make of them. Hormones? Typical "baby blues"? I have no idea, but I'm ready for them to be over. Becoming a mother, regardless of what kind of mother you become, changes you. It gives you a reason...for everything. It gives you motivation to be a better person, the BEST person that you can possibly be. I have such a drive to make something great out of myself and out of my life, but fighting past these emotions are a bitch. Especially when they're so unpredictable. I just want to find my new "normal" and get back to life.
He was more beautiful today than he was the last time I saw him. He smirked at me today and my heart grew one more size.
I still miss him.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34
I don't understand all of this really. I don't understand these sporadic mood changes. How can I be feeling great one moment, confident that I really can make it through this and everything is going to be awesome; and then the next moment feel like I want to crawl under a rock and die? The reality is that things couldn't have worked out any better, for everyone involved. I have so much to be happy and thankful for, but I still manage to feel completely miserable.
Keegan's dad called me last night. It didn't seem like he had anything in particular he wanted to talk about, just called to chat. It was awesome because we were able to just have a real conversation, like friends and family do. Nothing superficial, completely comfortable. We talked for about an hour, ranging from Keegan's birthfather, our own families, thoughts on adoption, and even to what Keegan would refer to me, and other members of our family as (when he gets older of course). The fact that they are thinking about that now, however premature it may be, really means a lot to me. It shows that they really do intend on having me (and my family) as a part of their lives permanently. One of my biggest fears throughout this process is, and continues to be, that once everything is finalized, they will begin to cut me out of the picture. They have given me no reason to think this, infact they've given me every reason to think the contrary. Maybe its natural for me to have that fear, maybe its me being paranoid-probably a little bit of both. I guess it all comes down to trust. Not trust in myself, or in them, but trust in God. Afterall, he's the one that orchestrated this whole thing from the beginning.
When I reflect back on everything that's happened in the last 6-7 months, I remember that as soon as things became complicated (meaning as soon as I found out I was pregnant), I turned to God. I didn't know how to handle it, or what to do, so I just relinquished control. Now the situation has evolved, and has become even more difficult than before. So why, of all times, do I find myself grasping at every thread of control that I possibly can? If I needed God to take over when I found out I was pregnant, why do I feel like I need him any less now? A huge contributor to a lot of my anxieties is fear. Fear of the unknown. More specifically, fear that things wont work out the way that we've talked about. Fear that this beautiful relationship between our families will stall out. Fear that I won't get to see my boy grow up. Fear that I won't be able to be a part of his life, and that my relationship with him will no longer consist of visits, only pictures. The last one being my biggest fear. These are all things that we've discussed over and over. It's been a concern of mine from the beginning. If I wasn't able to see my son, and be a part of his life, I may not have chosen adoption. The family I've chosen have always expressed an interest in this type of relationship with me-but once everything is final, I have no say, no rights. It's completely up to them. That's scary. But God led me here. Like I asked him to, he showed me where to go, what to do. He's made everything perfect so far. I have every reason to trust him. Why am I so doubtful? Why am I so scared now?
When I left their place today, Keegan's mom gave me a card. I read it when I got home, and it brought me to tears. Its clear that they have an unsurmountable feeling of gratitude and love towards me, and my presence in their lives. But what really struck me from her message to me, was a story she told me about what she was going through right around the time I found out I was pregnant
- In late July (I found out I was pregnant July 14th) they had all of their adoption "stuff" completed, their website was up, their name was out there--all they had to do was wait. A decent amount of time went by, when most people would become discouraged, she leaned into her faith and kept praying that God lead them to the birthmother they were meant to connect with. More and more time went by, and naturally she became discouraged, thinking maybe it just wasn't meant to be. On one particular day her discouragment hit its peak. She went to church that morning with "a heavy heart" and instead of asking God to lead them to their birthmother, she asked that if it wasn't in His will for them to raise children, that he take the desire to do so from her heart. That day, when she got to work, she turned on her computer and saw the very first message I had sent her.
Amazing.
There is absolutely no doubting that this is, and has been, God's "project" from the start. I need to realize that I'm not in control, and quite frankly, I don't want to be. The only one I need to trust in is Him, and he is completely trustworthy. I really need to let go, and let Him do the work. Afterall, he's WAY better at it than I ever could be.
As for these mood swings...I don't know what to make of them. Hormones? Typical "baby blues"? I have no idea, but I'm ready for them to be over. Becoming a mother, regardless of what kind of mother you become, changes you. It gives you a reason...for everything. It gives you motivation to be a better person, the BEST person that you can possibly be. I have such a drive to make something great out of myself and out of my life, but fighting past these emotions are a bitch. Especially when they're so unpredictable. I just want to find my new "normal" and get back to life.
He was more beautiful today than he was the last time I saw him. He smirked at me today and my heart grew one more size.
I still miss him.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:34
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Love Hurts
So here I am. Stuck in the middle of the most amazing and difficult thing I've ever gone through in my entire life-and its only just begun. I am a bottomless pit of emotion these days. They say its not healthy to keep it in. I'm not always great with opening up in front of people, I do much better in writing. I guess I don't like people to see me cry, but I'm quickly getting over that. So I figured maybe this would be therapeutic for me.
I've got so much on my mind that I can't even think of what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss my son. Its so simple, but the emotions that come with that are anything but. I've never felt a pain like this in my life. Its the inexplicably worse than the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced. Ever. 6 days ago I discovered just how much love my heart could hold, 4 days later I discovered just how painful that love can be.
It was an unexpected pregnancy. I am in no position to raise a child, at least not to my standards. Every child deserves the best, but when it comes to mine I will not settle for anything less. I want my child to be able to experience life to the fullest. To have all the endless opportunities that I had growing up. He deserves to have a stable, loving family. A comfortable life. I have very high expectations as to the kind of mother I want to be for my children, and I am not able to be that person right now. I can't give my baby everything I want for him. Coming to terms with that was the first step.
I decided to place my son up for adoption, pretty early on in my pregnancy. I decided on an open adoption; I choose the family, establish a relationship with them which will carry on throughout my child's life. The idea behind an open adoption is that the child will know where they came from. They will have the opportunity to have a relationship with their birth family from the very beginning. While this is a relatively new concept to adoption, its gaining a lot of recognition as it a wonderful alternative to closed adoptions. Most people probably think that the process of choosing adoption, choosing a family etc would be difficult. That was not my experience. Honestly, it was probably the easiest thing I've ever done (especially in relation to this experience). Once I found out there was a life inside of me, I loved it. I wanted the best for it, and the only way I was going to figure out what "the best" was, was to look upward. So that is what I did. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. God took over from there. Within a month or so I had found an amazing family, and it didn't take long before I felt at complete peace with my decision. That was the easy part.
Pregnancy was scary, for a worry wart such as myself. Giving birth was by far the most terrifying thing I've ever gone through. (I don't care what they say, there's nothing natural about it.) But once you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you truly do forget all about it. I can't even find the words to express how it feels to look into the face of a child that God created, and entrusted you with. There is nothing like it. Its the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. To realize that you are in complete control of another human being's life is an incredibly humbling feeling. God must have a lot of faith in me to have given me such a precious piece of life. I got to spend 4 days in the hospital with my baby. 4 wonderful days. He's perfect. I would stay up all night just so I could hold him in my arms while he slept. I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to do so, I took full advantage of it. It's amazing how much you can love someone you just met. He was absolutely beautiful. The man of my dreams, and he broke my heart.
Handing him to his parents wasn't the hard part. In fact, I loved seeing them with him. I loved to see how their faces lit up when they held him. They've been waiting for a child for a couple years. To be able to give them this gift was incredible. Not just them, but their entire family. To be able to give the first grandson, the first nephew...it was awesome. There are now so many people in this world who love this little child, he's going to be spoiled with love. This whole thing has been a blessing in so many ways. My relationship with the adoptive parents is more amazing than I ever thought it would be. We started as strangers, quickly became friends, and are now family. We are incredibly compatible, literally like soul mates. I truly believe that God had this all planned out from the beginning, because its turned out to be a flawless masterpiece. They're going to be awesome parents, and I'm going to be a part of my son's life. He's going to know me from the very start! How cool is that? I get to see my little man several times a year, buy him things, spoil him rotten, then give him back to his parents! Tons of my family came to the hospital to meet my baby and to meet his new family. They all got along perfectly. Everyone loves everyone, and they all love my son. It's incredible. This child is going to have an awesome awesome life. I'm willing to pay the price for that.
...but the price is high. Here I sit, unable to go 20 minutes without crying. Like I said, realizing my inadequacy as a parent, choosing adoption, finding a family, those were the easy parts. Lying in bed at night remembering the beautiful little boy I held in my arms is the hard part. I have no regrets. I have no doubts or concerns. I just miss him so much. Its an indescribable pain. I close my eyes, and I see his face. I feel like a part of me has died. I hate this feeling. I want to be happy. I want to be happy for my son, because he's perfect in every way. I want to be happy for his family, because this is the happiest moment of their lives. I want to be happy for my family because they have a new baby to love, and I want to be happy for myself, for being a part of something so incredible...but all I can feel right now is the pain. It's overwhelming. Deep down inside I know it will get easier with time. One day I will be able to look at his picture and not break down into tears. I'm in a dark place right now, and that's unfortunate because there is so much beauty around me. Love doesn't even seem like a big enough word to describe how I feel for my baby Keegan. Whatever this feeling is, its the most beautiful, wonderful, wretched feeling I've ever felt.
...I thought letting things out was supposed to make you feel better. I guess that takes time too.
Thanks for listening.
I've got so much on my mind that I can't even think of what to say. The only thing that comes to mind is that I miss my son. Its so simple, but the emotions that come with that are anything but. I've never felt a pain like this in my life. Its the inexplicably worse than the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced. Ever. 6 days ago I discovered just how much love my heart could hold, 4 days later I discovered just how painful that love can be.
It was an unexpected pregnancy. I am in no position to raise a child, at least not to my standards. Every child deserves the best, but when it comes to mine I will not settle for anything less. I want my child to be able to experience life to the fullest. To have all the endless opportunities that I had growing up. He deserves to have a stable, loving family. A comfortable life. I have very high expectations as to the kind of mother I want to be for my children, and I am not able to be that person right now. I can't give my baby everything I want for him. Coming to terms with that was the first step.
I decided to place my son up for adoption, pretty early on in my pregnancy. I decided on an open adoption; I choose the family, establish a relationship with them which will carry on throughout my child's life. The idea behind an open adoption is that the child will know where they came from. They will have the opportunity to have a relationship with their birth family from the very beginning. While this is a relatively new concept to adoption, its gaining a lot of recognition as it a wonderful alternative to closed adoptions. Most people probably think that the process of choosing adoption, choosing a family etc would be difficult. That was not my experience. Honestly, it was probably the easiest thing I've ever done (especially in relation to this experience). Once I found out there was a life inside of me, I loved it. I wanted the best for it, and the only way I was going to figure out what "the best" was, was to look upward. So that is what I did. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more. God took over from there. Within a month or so I had found an amazing family, and it didn't take long before I felt at complete peace with my decision. That was the easy part.
Pregnancy was scary, for a worry wart such as myself. Giving birth was by far the most terrifying thing I've ever gone through. (I don't care what they say, there's nothing natural about it.) But once you hold your child in your arms for the first time, you truly do forget all about it. I can't even find the words to express how it feels to look into the face of a child that God created, and entrusted you with. There is nothing like it. Its the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. To realize that you are in complete control of another human being's life is an incredibly humbling feeling. God must have a lot of faith in me to have given me such a precious piece of life. I got to spend 4 days in the hospital with my baby. 4 wonderful days. He's perfect. I would stay up all night just so I could hold him in my arms while he slept. I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to do so, I took full advantage of it. It's amazing how much you can love someone you just met. He was absolutely beautiful. The man of my dreams, and he broke my heart.
Handing him to his parents wasn't the hard part. In fact, I loved seeing them with him. I loved to see how their faces lit up when they held him. They've been waiting for a child for a couple years. To be able to give them this gift was incredible. Not just them, but their entire family. To be able to give the first grandson, the first nephew...it was awesome. There are now so many people in this world who love this little child, he's going to be spoiled with love. This whole thing has been a blessing in so many ways. My relationship with the adoptive parents is more amazing than I ever thought it would be. We started as strangers, quickly became friends, and are now family. We are incredibly compatible, literally like soul mates. I truly believe that God had this all planned out from the beginning, because its turned out to be a flawless masterpiece. They're going to be awesome parents, and I'm going to be a part of my son's life. He's going to know me from the very start! How cool is that? I get to see my little man several times a year, buy him things, spoil him rotten, then give him back to his parents! Tons of my family came to the hospital to meet my baby and to meet his new family. They all got along perfectly. Everyone loves everyone, and they all love my son. It's incredible. This child is going to have an awesome awesome life. I'm willing to pay the price for that.
...but the price is high. Here I sit, unable to go 20 minutes without crying. Like I said, realizing my inadequacy as a parent, choosing adoption, finding a family, those were the easy parts. Lying in bed at night remembering the beautiful little boy I held in my arms is the hard part. I have no regrets. I have no doubts or concerns. I just miss him so much. Its an indescribable pain. I close my eyes, and I see his face. I feel like a part of me has died. I hate this feeling. I want to be happy. I want to be happy for my son, because he's perfect in every way. I want to be happy for his family, because this is the happiest moment of their lives. I want to be happy for my family because they have a new baby to love, and I want to be happy for myself, for being a part of something so incredible...but all I can feel right now is the pain. It's overwhelming. Deep down inside I know it will get easier with time. One day I will be able to look at his picture and not break down into tears. I'm in a dark place right now, and that's unfortunate because there is so much beauty around me. Love doesn't even seem like a big enough word to describe how I feel for my baby Keegan. Whatever this feeling is, its the most beautiful, wonderful, wretched feeling I've ever felt.
...I thought letting things out was supposed to make you feel better. I guess that takes time too.
Thanks for listening.
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